I avoided looking directly at Julian the other night so I didn’t have to cry.
After a hard week, I wasn’t looking for another super emotional moment on the couch, talking about what the Lord was showing me, so I’d been avoiding this conversation.
Way past our bedtime though, after a rich night of community and Bibles laid open on our laps, I couldn’t help but tell my best friend that the Lord had revealed some hard things in my heart,
and I was sorry.
The longer story I won’t tell is that I didn’t want to say I was sorry because I’d been building up arguments for those things in my heart for a long time. I’d been trying so long to convince my husband those things were justified in being there that I’d half come to believe those arguments myself.
Pride had me down playing it all, saying I don’t have to tell him every little thing the Lord shows me in His word..
But my spirit was saying: It’s confession time.
The phrase was “above reproach.”
We’d been hearing it bounced all around over the last couple weeks with some things going on around us, and I finally got sick of hearing it so much that I sat down and did a study on it.
Above reproach.
It’s used in 1 Timothy 3:2 as well as twice in Titus.
“For an overseer, as God’s steward, must be above reproach..” (Titus 1:7)
Within context, those verses are laying out the traits that someone must have in order to be an elder of the church. So we use this term–above reproach–when we’re talking about what church leaders should exemplify if they are going to hold that office.
What became problematic for me while I was doing my study though, was the realization that the Lord doesn’t just expect pastors and elders to be “above reproach.” He expects it from me too.
John MacArthur says this:
“The reason [this qualification] is called for at the pastoral level is because we are the example which you are all to follow. And if [being above reproach] is part of that example, then guess what is required of you? The same [trait].”
“Above reproach” is for every Christian. This is the goal.
A lot of us aren’t in the habit maybe of holding our private lives up to those characteristics listed for elders and pastors because we’re not elders or pastors. But we forget that the reason they’re supposed to walk in this way is because they’re examples for us in the church. And an example is meant to be emulated.
Overseers of the church are supposed to be above reproach–
and I’m supposed emulate that.
So what does above reproach mean? I had to ask myself.
Tim Challies defines it really well in an article he wrote about the characteristics of a Christian:
“What the ESV translates as “above reproach” is first a legal word that indicates a kind of innocence in the eyes of the law. It means that no one can legitimately rebuke you or make any charges against you that will stick. They may accuse, but your conduct will eventually acquit you by proving you blameless (“blameless” being a far more common translation than “above reproach”). Your life is so consistent that your reputation is credible, you are an example worth following, and you do not make the gospel look fake by teaching one thing while doing another.”
And thus I found myself on the couch at 11:30 PM on a weeknight telling my husband I was sorry for a whole lot of below-reproach type of things I’ve probably been for a long time now.
If you’re interested, a quick test of the heart goes like this:
–Could someone stack up a case against you?
-Would the people closest to you be jaw-dropped-surprised if you were accused, or would it make perfect sense to them?
Now ask yourself, what charges could someone bring against you that would stick?
Hopefully what follows conviction is confession, and repentance.
I felt scared of the work.
I felt anxious at the idea of the doing the opposite of what of I’ve done for so long. The laying down of myself and holding others up in a way that was sure to cost me.
It is by no means for the faint of heart.. to gather up all the dark bits, from every corner of your heart. To hold them willingly out to God’s Word.. to be pierced through and divided, to be washed and scrubbed out, exposed and lit up.
It wasn’t something I didn’t know before.. It was just work that I’d excused myself from doing for a long time.
But what I had to report by the time I talked with my husband was interesting.
I told him that I had dreaded all the ways I was to be “self-controlled” as someone above reproach would. I loathed the idea of holding my tongue, ruling over my appetites (instead of them ruling over me) and the worst of it, reigning in my temper. Oh and the very worst of it, reigning in my temper when I know I’m right.
I thought that it would hurt too much. I was afraid of the sacrifice, afraid of losing comfort, afraid of what it would feel like to stop putting “me” first at times.
What I found instead, was that my burden was light.
I found that it actually felt better, not worse, to uproot some bitterness from that pit in my stomach and forgive when they don’t deserve it. Something light and warm will fill that space. Peace, I’m sure. I found that I laid my head on my pillow with ease at night after a day of not saying everything that came to my mind. I found I liked going a day not having lit my world and all my favorite people up with a tongue of fire.
The tension in my neck and shoulders releases, apparently, when I’m not holding grudges… when I decide to be gentle instead of otherwise.
I could go on but my point is that the burden was light.
What I thought would be agony and would eat me alive, was sheer joy instead. What I thought would make me resentful to give up or lay down, instead filled my heart with thankfulness.
I found it’s a considerably better day to strive to live above reproach.
The truth is, this life is better–even though it sounds so hard.
There is a quote I love by Jonathan Edwards. He said:
“Holiness appeared to me to be of a sweet, pleasant, charming, serene, calm nature; which brought an inexpressible purity, brightness, peacefulness and ravishment to the soul.”
It occurred to me that this is a far cry from the way holiness seems when the Spirit first convicts and you realize you’ve got work to do.
From the wrong side of grace, someone telling you to strive to live a life “above reproach” can feel like the whole entire law weighing down on your shoulders. Each rule, each command, each thou-shalt-not can feel like another giant stone added to the burden bag on your back.
But there’s this:
The law was fulfilled in Christ. Your sin was already paid for, and all the shame and guilt that go along with it were cast upon Him at the Cross too.
The chains are broken, the weight’s been lifted.
So the command to live a life above reproach is no longer an unspeakable burden on your back– it’s actually a sweet invitation to live a life outside of needless pain and destruction. It’s an invitation to draw nearer to God.
Look again to the words of Edwards:
sweet,
pleasant,
charming,
serene…
inexpressible purity,
brightness,
peacefulness
and ravishment to the soul.
This is different than a master lording over you with the law and demanding you stack up enough good works to make it. That will bow your back and crush your spirit.
This is a good God enabling you with the power to deal with and get out from under a sin that’s robbing, killing, and destroying you.
This is a perfect Savior calling you to be like Him.
Do we ever think very much of how good holiness is, and what a joy it might actually be to chase after it?
If the hardest work I have to do tomorrow is to try to be more like Jesus, then I know I can do that work with a hopeful, joyful, thankful heart.
Because His yoke is light, and He’s given me everything I need:
“His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence,”
(2 Peter 1:3)
Jess Davis 